It's annoying that I know exactly what will pick me up when I'm feeling down. It's annoying that it's just out of my reach.
It's more than a burst of energy, it's akin to a shining light at the end of a tunnel.
I feel confident; I'm comfortable where I am; I can accept what I can improve, and I know how to do it.
But when it's gone, I feel lost.
Not lost, as in I've been reading a map upside-down.
Lost as if I've never won. No motivation to win.
It's starting to wear off.
Slowly disappearing, my old self interfering.
The camera used to be my escape.
But the camera become a chore.
The computer hard-drive, where my emotions remain raw and unfinished. Sleeved film negatives, never to be seen on the monitor nor the paper.
There has to be something wrong if it hurts to express myself.